It’s hard to believe I am already at 6 months. Time just isn’t slowing down. I’m learning to take in every moment that I can. I know pretty soon this kid will pop out and I’ll start losing my hair..haha JUST KIDDING!!!
I have to admit, one of the hardest things for me that I’ve had to adjust to, is getting used to the fact of how emotional and ‘vulnerable’ this pregnancy has made me. I’ve often mentioned in previous post how I do not easily cry. You can ask my family. I just don’t cry. I don’t get emotional. If I am hurt or going through something, I do everything to avoid letting on to anyone else what’s going on or what I’m feeling. I also don’t have pity for people trying to look for pity. When everyone else is crying, I’m the one sitting in the corner TRYING to cry just to fit in. I often get teased that I have no heart. I have a very hard time being around emotional people because I don’t know how to deal with them. It can be an advantage and a disadvantage all at the same time. I am very sensitive to others’ needs, but I’m just not going to cry or be emotional about it. Well, not anymore. That has changed! I have been so emotional. I literally started bawling the other night thinking about when my son (cause I think it’s a boy) grows up and falls in love. What is wrong with me??! I also cried the other day for something random Ryan told me about. Ryan thinks it’s HILARIOUS how emotional I’ve become. He didn’t at first. It actually scared him to death, because everyone knows if I cry SOMETHING is really wrong or I am deeply hurt. He often teases me about things just to see me cry. It’s a whole new world for him. Haha.
I will say though, that the most beautiful thing I have experienced during this pregnancy is my child kicking inside of me. I tell Ryan all the time how when I feel a kick, it sends me into a whole new world of LOVE that I’ve never thought existed. I also tell him that it doesn’t beat falling in love with him haha :) So since I have become ‘vulnerable’ and emotional, I thought I’d share something about just how much those kicks mean to me. This child kicks like he plans on playing pro football one day. I’m not even exaggerating. He doesn’t hold back ANYTHING. The other day I noticed that the baby wasn’t kicking as much that day. I kind of put it out of my mind, thinking, “Oh, he’ll kick tonight”. Night came and I still wasn’t really feeling anything. I mean, I think I felt like bubble moves, that’s it though. So that night I just kept rubbing my belly just waiting for that one HARD kick…but it never came. I still think I felt like small bubble moves. I kind of mentioned it to Ryan but didn’t think much of it. That whole night though I barely slept. I can’t count the number of times I got up and walked around, rubbed my belly, sat up in bed really still waiting for a kick. It was miserable. All I needed to feel was ONE kick. That kick was our moment. I needed it. I needed it so bad. I tossed and turned all night. I didn’t want to wake Ryan up because, like I said, I don’t like other people knowing if I’m scared or hurt. So I just kept quiet. I remember praying multiple times.
The next morning, of course I slept in a little later because I was sooo exhausted from not sleeping that night. When I woke up, Ryan had left because he had a meeting to go to early that morning. When he got home, I woke up. I just laid there. We talked and laughed. I told him how I was exhausted! He asked why and I told him I hadn’t gotten any sleep because he was snoring so much during the night..of course that wasn’t true! He believed it though. I have a very convincing face haha. After a few minutes, I kind of brought back up the subject of how the baby hadn’t really KICKED lately. He took his hand and laid it on my belly and began to talk to the baby, still no response! He then looked at me with a worried face..now I was really worried. He said how my tummy looked smaller..which scared me even more..but of course it looked smaller because I was lying down. I told him how scared I was…what if something was wrong??? Then it happend…I just burst into tears!! They weren’t soft tears either. They were tears that had been storing up. He grabbed me and held me real close. I could tell in his eyes he was scared now too. He isn’t much of a cryer either but when he sees me cry, it kills him. We both just laid there wondering.
In a few minutes I busted out into another flood of tears. I said, “BABE!!! I lied!! I told you I didn’t sleep last night because of your snoring..that’s only partly true (haha I always have to throw in a joke)..I didn’t sleep last night because I was so scared and worried.” He looked at me with really sad eyes..I could tell he was nervous. He then grabbed me again and prayed with me. SERIOUSLY, prayer is the key to any kind of worry or anxiety you might be feeling. It instantly calmed me. I looked at him and said, “It’s okay. I’m going to get up and stay busy so I don’t dwell on this. God is in control.” Haha I literally get over things so fast. Another downfall of mine. I remember googling what could be wrong etc. Nothing really came up other than if you notice your baby not moving for long period of time go to doctor. So I prayed and asked God to give me wisdom if I should go. I begged him for just ONE kick. One mother advised to drink something cold to ‘wake’ up the baby. So I did. Then I went and sat in a chair and sat real still. After a few minutes I felt little moves. Nothing major, just more feeling than I had gotten. I was taking in every single second of it.
Throughout the day the kicks started picking up. Last night the kid was back at it again. The kicks were back!!! My heart was so full. I didn’t want to fall asleep, I wanted to savour each one. Today as I write this, the kid is kicking away.
I wrote this really just to say…God has ways of getting you to trust HIM. I am a Christian. I do love the Lord, but there are times even in my own life that the whole trust thing doesn’t come very easy. Realizing that any moment He could take my child home definitely has forced me to trust Him even more. He is in total control of what is going on inside of me right now. I love this kid sooo much and I haven’t even seen it’s face (other than on the ultrasound which by the way makes it look creepy).
We all have things that send us into a very fearful state. If you’re like me, and not used to being vulnerable or opening up about what’s scaring you, it can be even scarier. Don’t be afraid though. If the only person you can talk to is God, then I guarantee you that is MORE THAN ENOUGH.