June 12, 2017

If there is one thing Satan uses the most in my life-it’s FEAR.
I’ve struggled with fear so much over the past few years. Sometimes it feels strange cause I am a very STRONG person, but yet I can be the most fearful all at the same time. Fear has crippled so much of my life especially my walk with God. It’s embarrasing to think of all the things I’ve feared happening that NEVER ended up happening. I fear losing a loved one-I fear illness-I fear rejection-I fear change-and so on. I’m sharing something personal today only because of something my Mom said that totally changed the way I look at things and helped ALOT with this FEAR I struggle with.  I hope it helps SOMEONE.

As most of you know, last Monday, my husband and I found out that I’m expecting. I am now 5 weeks pregnant. It was the coolest most overwhelming feeling for both of us.  I had been feeling off for over a week so we knew something was up. I took the test and we immediately put it into a box and waited till time to look together. When we saw the positive sign, it was a feeling that can’t be described. BEST FEELING EVER!! It’s unreal how many thoughts go through your mind the moment you find out you are going to be parents. One of those thoughts being, “Ohh no! What if I miscarry?”

It was one of the first things that went through my mind after going through the emotions of being so happy! I felt horrible for thinking that but wasn’t surprised I thought that. FEAR began to set in. Ughh! Why? I’m supposed to be enjoying this time. You see, I have friends and family who have gone through miscarriages. I’ve seen the hurt and the pain they’ve felt. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And it got worse. The next few days, I would overhear people that didn’t even know I was pregnant yet talk about pregnancy and how they lost their first child. FEAR began to really take over now. You know how when you fear something and you hear it over and over from others you begin to put yourself in that position. That’s what I did. I even told Ryan, “I’m so scared! What if I lose this child?”
We both talked, and I told Ryan how I did not want to tell a bunch of people yet that I was pregnant, because it was private and if I lost the baby,  I didn’t want to have to listen to everyone’s opinions of WHY I lost it or what I could’ve done different. I also thought that there was some kind of rule where you had to wait till a certain time to share it. I mean the ultrasound didnt even really show anything yet. So we agreed. So when I told some of my family and VERY close friends, I asked them to not mention to anyone yet until I was further along in case I lost it. I was confident in what I was doing. Every night before going to bed I would lay there and just think “What if?”…I was supposed to be happy but I was miserable at the same time.

About 3 days later,  after telling a few people, I went over to my Mom’s house. We both sat down in her office and began to talk about how excited we both were about this baby. I began to repeat to her how that I just didn’t want people knowing because it’s private and Im afraid of losing it and I just didn’t want to listen to people give their opinions. My Mom smiled, then went on to say something that totally changed me. She said “Abie, you know that I had TWO miscarriages between you and your older brother. We were so heartbroken of course that we lost those babies but Abie, both times that we found out we were pregnant we celebrated-we told people-we rejoiced in the life God had given. A child is a wonderful thing! Yes, there is a chance you could lose that baby, but saying that you don’t want to share this great news JUST because you’re afraid you might lose it, like saying “I have a son or a daughter but Im not going to tell people about him/her till their older because they might die.” You need to rejoice in the life that God has given. And if He chooses to take that baby home, rejoice in that life that you once had living inside of you.”

That moment changed alot for me. She was right!!! I was letting my FEAR OF LOSING this child overshadow the joy of having this child. I realized that at any moment God could take this child, but that I was determined that from that point on each day I’m going to celebrate this child. I’m going to rejoice in this life inside of me.

I also talked to a lady the other day who had a sister who went full term and gave birth to the child and 12 days, the baby died. My heart hurt to think of what she must’ve gone through-the hurt and the confusion. But she rejoiced in the life and the time God allowed her to have that child. I know there are SO many women out there who have lost a child-some early term, some full term. I honestly did not write this post thinking I have any clue what you went through or feel. I wrote this post to encourage someone out there, whether it’s fearing the loss of a child-a job-a spouse-a family-DO NOT LET FEAR overshadow the goodness of God. He is so so good!!! I’m overwhelmed at how AWESOME He is to let me have this child, whether it’s for a long or short time.

Ryan told me the other night “Abie, If you believe with all your heart that God is in control of EVERYTHING in our lives you won’t have time to be fearful, confused or angry.”


1 Comment

  • Reply Cheryl Pridgen June 13, 2017 at 5:12 PM

    Thank you! That was a blessing.

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